{"id":197,"date":"2011-12-23T19:42:43","date_gmt":"2011-12-23T09:42:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/?p=197"},"modified":"2023-08-23T20:37:53","modified_gmt":"2023-08-23T10:37:53","slug":"frank-kellys-christmas-countdown","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/2011\/12\/23\/frank-kellys-christmas-countdown\/","title":{"rendered":"Frank Kelly\u2019s Christmas Countdown"},"content":{"rendered":"

Frank Kelly<\/a>\u2018s Christmas Countdown is on the radio<\/a> every Christmas and I just love it.<\/p>\n

Day One<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Nuala,
\nThank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We\u2019re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they\u2019re good friends now and we\u2019re keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
\nYours affectionately,
\nGobnait O\u2019L\u00fanasa<\/p>\n

Day Two<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Nuala,
\nI cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to some out in a week or two. The vet\u2019s bill was \u00a38 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
\nYours ever,
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Three<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Nuala,
\nWe must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was \u00a316 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds\u2019 droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she\u2019s watching the telly, doesn\u2019t help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
\nI remain,
\nYour Gobnait<\/p>\n

Day Four<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Nuala,
\nYou mustn\u2019t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet\u2019s bill was \u00a332. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
\nGobnauit<\/p>\n

Day Five<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nuala,
\nYour generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings ! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don\u2019t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
\nYour affectionate friend,
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Six<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nuala,
\nWhat are you trying to do to us ? It isn\u2019t that we don\u2019t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet\u2019s head from the pear-tree and his bill was \u00a368 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Seven<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nuala,
\nWe are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they\u2019ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It is not fair.
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Eight<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nuala,
\nWho the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home ? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother\u2019s rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I\u2019m very annoyed with you.
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Nine<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listen you louser !
\nThere\u2019s enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I\u2019m warning you, you\u2019re making an enemy of me.
\nGobnait<\/p>\n

Day Ten<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listen manure-face,
\nI hope you\u2019ll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn\u2019t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You\u2019ll get yours !
\nGobnait O\u2019L\u00fanasa<\/p>\n

Day Eleven<\/strong><\/p>\n

You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel,
\nIt was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they\u2019ve now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like \u201cOutlook\u201d. I\u2019ll get you yet, you ould bag !<\/p>\n

Day Twelve<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listen slurry head,
\nYou have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, \u2018cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they\u2019d been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I\u2019m sitting here, up to my neck in birds\u2019 droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds\u2019 blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree. I\u2019m a broken man.
\nGobnait O\u2019L\u00fanasa<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Frank
Frank Kelly Christmas Countdown.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Frank Kelly\u2018s Christmas Countdown is on the radio every Christmas and I just love it. Day One Dear Nuala, Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We\u2019re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":643,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[82,6],"tags":[72,108,109],"class_list":["post-197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humour","category-on-the-web","tag-christmas","tag-christmas-countdown","tag-frank-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=197"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/197\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":646,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/197\/revisions\/646"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/643"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidandkiyomi.com\/bloodandsoil\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}